i survived a bully #resolution

i survived a bully #resolution

The resolution.

Simple.

There wasn’t one.

I went two years being ridiculed for being a bully to my bully- by my bully. If you can make any sense of that.

I was banned from bringing up the past but she’d make up so much crap about the past and tell me how mean I was and how I always ditched her or neglected her.

She gave me a ‘serious talk’ about how I ruined her mental health and that I was a topic at her counseling sessions.

But I had grown much much stronger. So when that conversation was over and she’d left, I laughed. I’m not ashamed about it. I’d never regret laughing. It wasn’t to her face. It was to myself. After all these years and she’d concluded that I was bullying her.

Now she’s still attached to my arm as we have every lesson together. Just recently they asked me if they were my ‘backup friend’ to which I thought:

No, you’re just not my friend

But me being me, never having had my issue resolved (and ashamed to say, still scared of confronting her) I said no. She was my real friend.

Lies lies lies.

I’m sure this wasn’t the ending you were expecting. I never got my ending, never got justice.

But my story has inspired me to give the younger years at school an assembly on anti-bullying.

I suffered in silence, in plain view.

No-one else should ever have to go through that.

I’d never wish it on my worst enemy- who coincidently would probably be my bully.

I haven’t learnt to forgive as I got no real closure, she never apologised off her own back.

But I can learn from this- I’m happier and stronger than I’ve ever been and I’m really taking life in my stride.

So, to my bully-

Thank you.

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i survived a bully #4

i survived a bully #4

I realised I left out a very important part of year 6. Our classes week long trip to an adventure park. I was shaking at the thought of going away from home. Away from Mum and Dad, stuck with her for a whole week.

I’m sure it comes as no surprise that she made my life a living hell for a week. She would argue with everybody in our dorm and expect me to back her up even when she was blatantly wrong. So I pretended to be asleep every night when she had her arguments.

I was a scared, shy little girl so if there was something I didn’t want to do, the instructors couldn’t make me. They were always so lovely about it. She on the other hand, would mock me, call me a scaredy cat and a goody two shoes and a wimp. If I did something right, she’d call me a show off. It might seem harmless but if you’ve been asked to stop being called names like that, it cuts deep.

Sticks and stones is hard to apply when you aren’t thinking rationally.

Then I moved on to secondary school.

How my school works is in years 7, 8 and 9 your year is split in half. So if you weren’t in the same half as your friends… good luck.

Not only was I separated from every girl in my primary school except my bully in my form, I was also separated by half as well.

When meeting my new form group, I took a shining to one of the girls (who is still one of my tops gals today) and I started to talk to her everyday. This made my bully absolutely furious. So while she was off making new friends, who I wasn’t allowed to interact with, I was supposed to wait alone for her and if I didn’t I’d get berated.

This was an everyday cycle.

And led to probably one of the weirdest things to ever come out of my mouth even to this day. On a school trip I was sat next to the girl I’d made real friends with because my bully was off with her new friends. So I turned to this friend and whispered,

Don’t tell anyone, but you’re my best friend.

I would have been slightly insulted if I were that girl. ‘Oh yeah don’t tell anyone that you’re my friend.’ That sounds like the most shameful and pretentious thing ever. Luckily for me, she understood that I was petrified of my bully finding out. She’s been an absolute gem on this most treacherous journey. So, if you are reading this the biggest of thank you’s to you!

So year 7 went on for me being completely isolated and having a secret friendship with this girl. Then the summer holidays came which meant 6 weeks away from my bully but there was still dread pulling down on my heart about anything she’d invite me to during the holidays. Fortunately she was busy with her new friends and completely forgot me for 6 weeks. Which I was hoping to be a regular thing.

No. It’s almost laughable about how untrue that was.

Year 8 began and so did probably one of the worst school years I’ve ever experienced. I was 13 years old which meant puberty hit for everyone that year. So that was fun.

I remember one incident where I’d been talking to one of my bullies friends, who was friendly with me, about growing up. Yes, we were discussing periods. It was all new to us, we were young and unsure. We seemed to get from the conversation that we had both recently started having them. Which she proceeded to tell the bully. She came marching up to me before our art lesson where my anxiety levels were pretty off chart. As I’ve mentioned I am a stickler for rules and I was scared of authority if I broke those rules. We had a sub teacher who had told us to sketch in silence.

My bully whispered threats in my ear the whole art lesson. As the substitute teacher was screaming at us to be silent that hour it didn’t help that she was saying things like;

I don’t care if you walk away, I will find you.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You’re an embarrassment.

You’re not allowed to talk about that to anyone ever again.

and probably the most chilling…

I’ll deal with you at break.

I did manage to get away from her, again, by going to sick bay.

As you can imagine, I met a lot of new people at this school. But I did manage to stay/make friends with some of the girls who went to my primary school. Especially the one that got away (album title of the year, am I right?). We’d meet up outside of school and hang out. One occasion where I’d invited her for a sleepover, my bully was fuming.

She slapped me.

The funny thing is, that sleepover never happened because I was ill. Or she was ill. One of us was ill.

But the same day she slapped me she was very quiet at lunch. Which put me on edge because that meant I had messed up. So I asked her if she was ok. To which she said You’re being a bitch. For not inviting her to my house. Even though we had regular hang outs. In fact most Fridays of year 8 I would be at her house.

I decided to take action on that particular occasion because she’d physically abused me. So I wrote my mum a letter the next morning before heading to school so I would be forced to talk to her about it. My mother rang up the bullies mum before proceeding to shout at both the mum and the bully. I did get a very meek sorry but it meant nothing to me as she’d been forced to apologise and it didn’t effect her behaviour towards me whatsoever.

The same isolating behaviour and fear would be a cycle, every single day. My secret best friend was also affected by the bullies behaviour. She’d shout and snap at her and took me away from her to hang out with her friends which made me so unbelievably uncomfortable. I can still feel the complete state of panic I was in one specific lunch time where I looked at the floor for the whole 45 minutes, pressing my nails into the back of my hands. A direct quote from my bully that really made her seem like a monster:

That was the best lunch time! Scratching, chasing, fighting, kicking and screaming.

This sort of thing would happen on the regular.

Until I snapped.

I marched, well I say marched, it was most likely a timid shuffle, up to the bully one morning and said straight out

I don’t want to be your best friend anymore

To which she cried and I got shunned to the back of the line because:

‘oh she made her cry, she’s mean’ 

But, I had freedom and could outwardly say to my secret friend

‘YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND THANK GOD WE’RE BOTH ALIVE’

And for a while the Bully left me alone.

A while.

About a month.

Then she changed her tactics. She started acting all nice to me so I let my guard down and let her back in and I had fallen for her trap again.

As year 8 and year 9 went on she’d be more subtle and manipulative about how she reigned me in. She’d openly say nice things about me but I had to tread very carefully around her because otherwise she’d cry and I would feel this immense guilt.

This is when a friend told me

You are being bullied’

After 6 years, someone finally told me the one thing I didn’t realise.

I was being bullied.

Year 8 was particularly hard for me because there was a sense of hope and freedom that I could be happy and normal, just to fall right back into the her hands again.

She repeatedly told me time and time again that I couldn’t tell on her because she’d tell on me (if I had rationally thought that threat out I would have realised there was nothing she could tell me on). She would cleverly use my phobia (I am not exaggerating here) of being told off as leverage so she wouldn’t get in anymore trouble.

I’d found myself caught in another cycle of fear and emotional tourment.

Which kept getting subtler and more manipulative until she’d managed to flip the entire situation onto me.

Making herself the victim, and me the bully.

………

Hiya guys,

That was a bit more hard hitting than I thought. I had to take a break from writing that as it did get a little bit too much for me. Sorry to anyone who was affected by this whatsoever.

I’m serious when I say; if anything I’ve written down you’ve experienced, please, I beg you to tell someone. I know it’s hard, I know its mind numbingly petrifying. But it is always worth it. I never got my justice or resolution, you can.

The last part will be up tomorrow.

Thank you folks

3liittlebirds

…………

If you or someone you know needs to talk to someone about bullying, mental health or other such matters here are few places you can turn to.

UK

Samaritans  phone: 116 123                email: jo@samaritans.org

Family lives  phone: 0808 800 2222

Mind call: 0300 123 3393                     text: 86463

Papyrus call: 0800 068 41 41          text:07786 209697          email: pat@papyrus-uk.org

Childline call: 0800 1111

 

USA

121help.me
24/7 bullying and crisis hotline for youth up to age 18
855-201-2121

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
24/7 crisis hotline
1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project Lifeline
24/7 crisis hotline for LGBTQ youth
1-866-488-7386

 

Find international kids helplines here

i survived a bully #3

i survived a bully #3

So weeks and months went by, I lived everyday feeling like I was suffocating or drowning in fear. My ex-best friend had left the school so I had the bully all to myself.

As I moved into year 5, I thought that maybe this year would be the year I stood up to her.

But that was just wishful thinking.

I felt myself being more and more repressed by the clutches of my bully and I’d practically sprint home to get away from it all and cry my heart and soul out.

Play dates from the book that had to happen struck terror right through my core. I’d shake and I’d tremble all the way through our sleepovers and play dates.

But then, I became a prefect. As did my friend who was also under the bullies reign. And we got to prefect together every Monday lunchtime. Those lunch times were bliss, where we could really be ourselves and really laugh, and really be kids. (With our prefecting responsibilities obviously, we took it very very seriously aha!)

Whilst we wanted it to just be the two of us forever, it didn’t take long for this bully to get jealous and follow in our footsteps. In our last year of primary school she too, decided to be a prefect. And as everyone else simply refused to patrol with her, yet again, I was landed prefecting with her three times a week. The bliss of year 5 patrol had been ripped away and before I knew it I was being screamed at for doing my duties instead of talking to her at our post. She’d obviously do her duties and then complain how I never did anything.

She’d loiter around me the day I prefected and she didn’t, my responsibility was to send her outside, but she’d never go. Then on the days I didn’t prefect and she did, I wasn’t allowed to play with anyone else. She’d always know if I did and I’d always regret it.

This bully prefected nearly every lunch time (we had a two week rota) and when I was outside alone, I’d sit on, what our school called, the ‘friendship bench’. It’s basically where all the kids with no friends to play with sat. Student ambassadors were supposed to come and offer to play with them but no-one ever came.

Not before long I decided to move the next bench along. I’d been so alienated from everyone I was too lonely for the friendship bench.

On the days she was outside with me, we’d have lunch in our classes and I’d be forced either next to or directly opposite her. We weren’t allowed to share food at our school and she’d always force me to sneak animal biscuits or a crisp under the table to give her even if I didn’t want to.

Once when she was in a bad mood during lunch, I was talking to one of the other girls in my class and I said ‘oh my god’. She used to be extremely religious so took offence to that which I didn’t know at the time. So as you can imagine she screamed at me in front of everybody in the lunch hall about how bad of a friend I was and that when I finished lunch I’d be in so much trouble. I avoided her that lunch by going to the sick bay.

When we were outside together she’d force me to perform dance routines with her, she picked the song and she picked the routine. If we weren’t dancing we’d walk around the playground in loops and talk. She was always trying to get me to do things I didn’t want to do, or didn’t want to say.

If I didn’t do what she said or if I ever stepped out of line she’d jab me hard in the stomach- even now, if someone comes near my stomach I flinch, back away or freak out.

As bad as this seems, it’s nothing compared to being stuck with my bully in the classroom. We had seating plans but I was next to her for nearly everything.

In year 5, I sat next to her and opposite my crush at the time. Obviously being ‘best friends’ I told her my little secret and she full out told him in front of my table. This guy was one of my good friends so I thought that was the end of that friendship. Luckily enough for me, at 10 years old he was decent enough and we continued to be friends. Weirdly enough, on the opposite end of that spectrum in year 6 she threatened to tell this boy in the class that I liked him and wanted to go to the valentines disco with him when really neither of those things were remotely true. She whispered how she was going to tell him and make me look like an idiot until silent tears tracked my cheeks when she finally stopped with the threats.

She took joy in seeing me cry, in fact, she full out told our year 6 teacher she liked it when I cried. But when I did cry (which was a lot) she’d get all stressy at me and shout at me.

My real friend managed to get out when she became a school librarian. They had this whole massive blow out in the playground where I had to mediate. I asked this friend,

Are you okay? 

I wanted her to get out. And she did. But she left me behind. Once she was out, she wasn’t risking getting back in again. I don’t blame her. I was never mad at her for it. How could I be? I would have done the same. I have huge amounts of love for her and admiration for how brave she was back in primary school.

As year 5 and 6 went on I got slightly stronger. I stopped crying at everything she said and did. Even when she said:

I’m going on holiday on Friday and I hope I never see you again!

That was for washing art supplies with someone else in the class and not her.

Seemingly as I got stronger, so did she. She always seemed one step ahead of me. When I felt confident she’d knock me down. She’d whisper at me venomously when I checked the time on the clock for my music lessons.

The came the end of primary school. We got to make a year book for the class and we had a page to ourselves. When I read back on that now I find it sad that I didn’t write a single word of my page. She wrote the whole thing for me claiming she could do a better job. It does make me chuckle to think the paragraph about my ‘best friend’ is entirely constructed by the person it’s about.

The end of primary school was nearing, that meant big school. Which was scary, that meant more people I wasn’t allowed to interact with.

But this was also my chance to get away from her. We had three options of people we want to stay with and three people we want to get away from. I stumbled up to my teacher to fill it in.

‘Is there anyone you want to get away from?’

Say the bully, say the bully, say the bully…

No there isn’t.

I was so close, but I could feel their steely gaze on me, so I wrote them down to stay with.

And I transitioned up to secondary school, still tethered to my bully.

…………………..

I was so young and I was filled with so much negative emotions. Looking back it should have made me furious that it was so obviously happening and no-one ever did anything. I didn’t expect my peers to, but the adults? I was let down immensely by the people who should have been helping me.

…………………..

Hiya guys,

This part is so long! Sorry about that. I want to point out signs of realistic bullying because I feel like schools only show you the extremes. Not once have I ever felt suicidal, but I did spend years suffering.

Part 4 tomorrow, where we go to big school.

Cya folks

………………..

If you or someone you know needs to talk to someone about bullying, mental health or other such matters here are few places you can turn to.

UK

Samaritans  phone: 116 123                email: jo@samaritans.org

Family lives  phone: 0808 800 2222

Mind call: 0300 123 3393                     text: 86463

Papyrus call: 0800 068 41 41          text:07786 209697          email: pat@papyrus-uk.org

Childline call: 0800 1111

 

USA

121help.me
24/7 bullying and crisis hotline for youth up to age 18
855-201-2121

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
24/7 crisis hotline
1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project Lifeline
24/7 crisis hotline for LGBTQ youth
1-866-488-7386

 

Find international kids helplines here

i survived a bully #2

i survived a bully #2

Fresh new day. Fresh new start. Fresh new ‘best friend’.

I honestly don’t know how it happened, but I’d managed to get myself stuck with this girl 7 hours a day, 5 days a week.

The early stages of this ‘friendship’ is all such a blur but I do remember a couple of things.

The Friendship book.

She kept this sort of diary, journal, book. Whatever you want to call it. She would write exactly what we were going to do and if I didn’t want to do it, she’d yell at me.

I resisted her break time plans once and she stormed off after throwing a tantrum in my face. I, being petrified, followed her to where she’d sat on a tree stump on the grass. Now I didn’t have my trainers on so I didn’t want to step on the grass because that was against the rules. Instead I resorted to standing three feet away on the concrete calling to her.

….I’m sorry, I’m sorry, come back and play with me, I’m sorry….

In which she snapped her head up and screamed

I’m not a dog, stop calling me. Go away!

So, I left her alone. Which got an even bigger tantrum thrown at me about how much of a bad person I was and how I neglected her.

But I digress.

The book contained secrets and song lyrics we’d written (mainly about being best friends, it’s the most cringiest thing I’ve ever set eyes on). Notes, play dates, sketches, everything you could possibly think off. If it wasn’t in the book, it didn’t exist. Or at least- that was her way of looking at things.

What did I think of it? I thought it of her way of tracking me and what I did everyday.

The idea that someone is watching and scrutinizng your every move is a form of torture itself. Suddenly coming into school seemed like the end of the world. I would cling to my mum like she was my last lifeline and when she left the playground I didn’t feel safe.

I remember one particular Friday morning when I was in year 4 – 9 years old- where I cried all the way to school because I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay at home where it was safe. My mum had to physically march me into the school building, holding my shoulders, so I could settle in before the rest of my class were brought in. That is how much I didn’t want to be there.

I’d arrive to school every morning with this suffocating feeling, like I couldn’t breath. It was like the snakey fingers of one hand of the cold were wrapped around my neck and the other pushing down on my heart.

I’d dig my nails into the palms of my hands when we lined up to go inside. It took so much will power to not let the tears fall again and again as we sidled in single file.

For a while there was another girl, someone I could honestly say was my friend at the time and still to this day is one of my favourite people and good friends. She was under the new girls reign as well. We were trapped and we couldn’t get out.

She managed to escape though. Long before I managed to.

Long Before.

…………………

Hiya guys,

I know this installment is very messy and disorganised however that is what my mind was at the time. The next part has much more structure and depth in it. Tomorrows post will be early because I’m going to the theatre. I’ll be telling you guys the story of my bullying journey in years 5 and 6 tomorrow. Get ready, It’s the worst part…. I think.

cya folks

3liittlebirds

………………….

If you or someone you know needs to talk to someone about bullying, mental health or other such matters here are few places you can turn to.

UK

Samaritans  phone: 116 123                email: jo@samaritans.org

Family lives  phone: 0808 800 2222

Mind call: 0300 123 3393                     text: 86463

Papyrus call: 0800 068 41 41          text:07786 209697          email: pat@papyrus-uk.org

Childline call: 0800 1111

 

USA

121help.me
24/7 bullying and crisis hotline for youth up to age 18
855-201-2121

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
24/7 crisis hotline
1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project Lifeline
24/7 crisis hotline for LGBTQ youth
1-866-488-7386

 

Find international kids helplines here

 

i survived a bully #1

i survived a bully #1

I survived a bully.

I was 8 years old when it started. I’d recently joined a new school and was getting on great, I made fast friends with a quirky girl and we’d have so much fun! Every break time, lunchtime and golden time we would create dance routines to high school musical just like any normal young girls would have at the time. I had finally settled into this new school.

Not three months later… I was no longer the new girl. No, another new girl had joined the class.

She seemed sweet and shy, as was I, so I stayed with my best friend and didn’t chat to her much when she first joined. My best friend at the time however, made friends quick with this new girl and thus started the first period of loneliness. They would run off together in the playground and sing and dance like we used to without the new girl.

I was formally invited to watch them play once but I wasn’t allowed to join in. 8 year old me thought that was a fantastic idea so that lunch I happily skipped over to them when this new girl scowled at me and grabbed my friend before running off yet again. When I chased after them she shouted at me.

Go away! You’re not allowed to play with us!

So I left them to sit alone in the school pavilion and I cried. And I cried and I cried and I cried until two other girls in my class asked me if I was ok. I nodded, despite the red eyes and wet cheeks. They offered to play with me but I declined. I didn’t want to play with anyone, I just wanted to be alone.

Days, weeks and months of lonely days past before I had a run in with her again (Other than the daily shuns).

She got told off by the lunch time controller. And I was an eyewitness. This part is all such a blur so I’ll do my best to remember it.

At our school, we had this little wooden fort we could play on and it was my classes turn. As my peers were climbing and laughing together I’d just watch from a safe distance.

Before you could say ‘lunch time’ a quarrel was happening at the base of the fort. Someone had accused this girl of pushing her off the fort (which was pretty high for small children.) As a close bystander I was asked if this was true.

This one answer, if changed, could have meant my whole life could have been completely different.

I was absolutely filled with fear of what this girl would do if I said yes. So I said;

No, I don’t think so.

And that, is how I became ‘best friends’ with this new girl.

Well, little did I know that my school life was about to take a turn for the worse.

…..

Hi guys,

I wanted to share my story. Part 2 tomorrow. This big old beast is going to have multiple parts so if you’re interested keep a look out.

Cya folks

3liittlebirds

…..

If you or someone you know needs to talk to someone about bullying, mental health or other such matters here are few places you can turn to.

UK

Samaritans  phone: 116 123                email: jo@samaritans.org

Family lives  phone: 0808 800 2222

Mind call: 0300 123 3393                     text: 86463

Papyrus call: 0800 068 41 41          text:07786 209697          email: pat@papyrus-uk.org

Childline call: 0800 1111

 

USA

121help.me
24/7 bullying and crisis hotline for youth up to age 18
855-201-2121

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
24/7 crisis hotline
1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project Lifeline
24/7 crisis hotline for LGBTQ youth
1-866-488-7386

 

Find international kids helplines here

My problem with Disney

My problem with Disney

Easy.

I don’t have a problem with Disney. You all know I adore disney, I grew up with disney.

I have a problem with some of the people who have a problem with disney.

Before I continue, only some views that people hold. I am not saying everyone who has a problem with disney is wrong. I am just saying that some people take it too far.

………………

So, the other day we watched a video in English language and it was all about gender roles in the media. They had sections on adverts, Harry Potter and then Disney. The girl who made this video over dramatized quite a lot I think.

First of all she used Snow White as an example. That was definitely a wrong move on her part. For one thing, that film came out in 1937. Secondly, the character Snow White is 14 so she doesn’t know how to be a ‘strong, independent women.’ She also didn’t have a motherly figure to learn from.

The original story from the Grimm brothers surprisingly gave Snow White a typical happy ending in the castle with her prince. The story was published in 1812.

Equality definitely was not even an idea in 1812. Which is depressing.

Disney took this idea, like they did for most of their princess stories, from The Grimm Bothers fairy tales. I personally think people should not go after Disney for controversial films before 2000. Especially ones that are based on fairy tales written decades before.

Another thing about people going after disney about female characters and princes. They are fairy tales. They are not supposed to be realistic. They are supposed to be an escape from the depressing dark hole that is real life. Why do you want your kids to watch realistic things? That’s boring.

I do understand and completely agree that strong female lead characters are very important for little girls and boys in this time. However traditional Princess films will have less than independent female characters because of the time and place of the film.

I feel like people hate on the Princess films too much.

Also why do people only comment on the princesses. Disney Princes are just as unrealistic, they aren’t particularly good influences on little boys. I know I am contradicting myself now but it is true.

Princess Brior Rose (sleeping beauty) is your typical Princess. She is slim, loves animals, dreams of a prince and sings. People are constantly going on about she is setting standards way to high for little girls. She is unrealistic.

Well, what about Gaston?

I don’t think I have ever heard of him as a bad influence for a little boy. When he his stereotypically your ‘macho man’ who loves himself and only wants a bit of arm candy.

So turning this back around to my point.

I think people should lay off the disney princesses.

Well I went off on a bit of a tangent there.

So I am going to end this here now.

I will most definitely carry on this discussion another time.

Feel free to express your opinion but please don’t get angry at each other or me. They are opinions. If you have nothing nice to say, do not say it.

………….

See ya folks.

3liittlebirds

xXx